I am blessed.

 

A friend sent me the picture above a month or so ago. 

I thought it was cute, so I saved it.

Then, I came back to the States and on top of a whole lot of other painful things affecting my family, friends, co-workers, and students...

And then something happened that has rocked me to my very core.

I had a conversation with someone I know and love just a few days after arriving back in the States. 

And while I knew (I know) deep in my heart, I was nice and said all the right things...

I can't help but wonder... 

What else could I have said? What more could I have done? What better encouragement could I have given? What Scriptures could I have shared? Why didn't I read between the lines? We discussed meeting up later this summer. Why didn't I try to arrange it sooner? Why didn't I reschedule other things? Why didn't I say I love you more?

Because you see...

That was the last conversation we had.

3 days later she made the decision to end her life. 

3 days later she felt there was no other choice but that. 

3 days later she gave in to whatever demons were plaguing her mind and made that choice.

And me...

I'm sad.

I'm mad. No, I'm past mad. I'm angry.

I'm hurt.

I'm feeling an intense amount of pain.

I'm confused.

I'm discouraged.

I'm frustrated.

I'm so utterly upset.

And while I know all the right things to say to someone in my shoes...

It's not your fault.

They made the choice...not you.

Yes, sometimes life is painful and confusing. And yes, sometimes life does stink.

While it may not feel like it right now, God is indeed right here beside you.

I know those, and more, are the right things to say.

But you know...

 It's easy to say those things.

But do you know what's hard?

The hard part is actually believing them. 

And there's so much surrounding this I haven't, (and won't) even shared in this post. 

But suffice it to say, it's a lot. 

And it's hard. 

And it's painful.

And I don't feel strong.

And that's hard for me too.

I like to think I'm a strong person.

I like to think I'm in control.

But y'all...

The wind's been knocked out of my sails.

And I've literally cried out to God, asking for help/peace/comfort/guidance that can only come from above.

And do you want to know something?

God has reminded me that even though I don't feel it at the really painful moments...

...even though I struggle to make sense of this painful reality my family is going through right now...

even though life just really sometimes honestly "stinks..." 

I am blessed.

I am blessed.

I am blessed.