Beyond Me

Too often we post only the good of our lives online. Celebrations, milestones, life as a bed of roses...

But you know. Life isn't perfect all the time. Bad stuff... Hard stuff happens sometimes. 

And right now... Right now my family is facing the hardest thing we've ever faced. And you know what? 

It stinks. ...big time!

But through it all...through the pain...the heartache...the moments of asking Why God... Through it all, I know that my hope is in the Lord.

My dad's in the ICU. We've been told he's nearing the end. He's on oxygen, fluids, and pain meds. He's still a bit uncomfortable. But he's actually sleeping!

It's so emotionally exhausting...

I say that I am prepared to "let him go." But it's hard. 

When he agreed to the DNR during check-in, the reality hit me...

And this reality is harder than anything I could have ever imagined. 

Yes, he's going to a better place. Yes, his suffering will be gone. But it's still hard...

The selfish part of me wants to keep him here. I want him to walk me down the aisle. ...to meet my children. 

But the realistic part of me wants and knows what's best for him. 

I don't want this prolonged any more. I don't want this once strong and vibrant man to just lay up and suffer. 

I want my dad to either be healed here on earth or go on and be healed up in Heaven. I want the pain gone.

Truthfully, I just want the Lord's Will to be done.

I pray daily for his strength and healing. ...for strength for my mom, brother, and me. 

Toby Mac's song, Beyond Me, says...

"You take me to the place where I know I need You. Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own. And the Lord I know, I know I need You. So take me to Your great... Take me to Your great unknown. It's way beyond me. It's way beyond me."

So yes... This that I'm dealing with is way BEYOND ME. 

So I know I can't make it on my own.

Lord, it's beyond me. It's what You can (and will) do. Help me to trust in you...to put my hope in you.