How am I doing

How are you feeling?

You doing okay?

You doing all right today?

How are you doing? No, how are you really doing?

Ugh!

I hate those questions. 

What I want to reply is... 

How do you think I'm doing?!

How do I feel?! I feel horrible! 

Am I doing okay?! No! I'm most definitely not!

But I don't say any of that. Instead, I just say...

I'm okay. Thanks for asking :)

And all the while I keep a smile pasted on my face and try to keep up the illusion that everything is A-ok. 

It's frustrating. I'm tired of pretending that everything's okay. I'm tired of smiling and acting like nothing's wrong. I'm tired of denying the pain I'm feeling.

I don't feel okay.

I don't feel all right.

I feel horrible. 

I feel sad.

I'm hurting.

I'm in pain. 

I'm a Christian. I was raised in church. I've been going since I was a baby. I, myself, am a certified minister. I read and study the Bible. I worship. I pray.

I know what's supposed to happen...

I know I'm supposed to just pray and give my pain to God. 

I know I'm supposed to keep myself busy and focus on other things. 

But I'm having trouble doing all of that.

I just want to go somewhere all by myself and be away from everybody. I just want time with me and God and some peace and quiet. 

I want to find a way to somehow be okay with all of this.

I want to not be sick at the thought of going back to work and moving forward with my life.

I want to attend a beautiful wedding and not think about my future which will now not include my Daddy at my own wedding.

I just want my life back.

I don't write any of this for pity. Please don't feel sorry for me. 

Just pray. Pray for me, my family, my dad's church, our friends, and anyone else saddened by his death.