Honestly speaking...

After seeing a similar post on a friend's blog, I started to think about the things that we often hide from one another. God’s been dealing with me on honesty. I tend to hide things from everyone. I don’t let people see the “real me” per se. So here goes… total honesty about yours truly.

To tell you the truth...

• Contrary to what people believe – due to my frequent FB status updates – :) I don’t like sharing my feelings. In fact, I absolutely HATE doing so. I would rather keep everything bottled up inside and let it “eat away” at me than share it with someone else, whether that be family, friends, whoever.

• I have a really close friend here in Dakar. …probably (no definitely) the closest friend I’ve ever had. This is such new territory for me. We moved so much growing up (like every 1 ½ years or so) that as soon as I’d get close to a friend, we’d move again. Because of that, I developed this fear of getting too close to someone. And as a result of said fear, I tend to push people away when I see that happening. But I don’t want to lose the closest friend I have just because of my insecurities and fears.

• I’m not a hugger. If you want to hug me, fine, but don’t expect me to come up and hug you. It’s nothing personal. I just don’t go around giving out hugs. I’m not a good sympathizer (is that the right word?) either. I feel extremely awkward in situations where people are hurting and crying, etc. I tense up. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Therefore I usually leave the room. *P.S. I do write notes to people. I do offer encouragement that way. So I’m not totally heartless. :)
• I despise darkness. I slept with a nightlight in my room even through college. I just HATE the dark. …ironic since I now live in a place where the power’s off more than it’s on most of the time.

• I’m 25. It bugs me when people say things like… “You’re still young. I didn’t get married ‘til I was X years old.” or “Maybe God just wants you to be single.” or any other variations of those phrases… Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy with my life right now. I’m enjoying being my own person, doing what I want, when I want (mostly), and not having to worry about someone else. But I would like to get married. I truly want God’s will in my life and I truly believe that He has someone out there for me. I really just don’t think God would let me keep wishing and hoping and wanting for this to happen, just to have me be single for the rest of my life. After all, my absolute biggest fear is that I’ll never get married.

• I get incredibly nervous speaking in front of people (well, in front of adults). I will worry so much about it that I will literally get sick before I go up to speak. It never fails. But put me in front of a group of kids and I’m fine. :)

• I’m insecure in my status as a missionary. I’ve had “well-meaning” people tell me that I’m not really a missionary, that I’m just a teacher. …and this has come from people both on and off the mission field. I want to say, Don’t you realize the mission field that is my classroom? You don’t see the Muslim girl I pray with every day…the one begging for a Bible to take home, even though we all know Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t approve…the one praying that her family would know Jesus since, in her words, He loves everyone even when they’re bad…the one that sits quietly and attentively through every Bible lesson, soaking it all in. No. They don’t see all of that.