I got the news in late February that my parents were voted in as the Senior Pastors at a church in Kansas and would be moving in March. And even though I was very excited for them, I couldn't help feeling a sense of sadness. I felt like that girl that would sit with her little brother while they comforted each other each time their family had to move again. But I didn't have that. I wanted to be with my mom and dad and help them pack, load the U-haul, say goodbye to friends and family, etc...but I couldn't do that. I was here, in Senegal, my new home, doing what God's called me to do...which I love.
...but I couldn't help feeling sad. Towards the middle of last week, I started experiencing major homesickness. I shied away from friends. I didn't even go to a friend's birthday/pool "party," opting to go to dinner with her and a few others that night instead, because I couldn't handle the thought of being around so many people and feeling so sad. I would wake up sad and crying, wipe my eyes, and get ready in a "fog." I would come to school feeling sad, but the minute my students arrived in the classroom, I pushed my sadness aside. I taught them and went about my day as usual. I would tell people that I was feeling "fine." ...when in reality, I wasn't. I was feeling sad. I would go home in the afternoons, try and stay away from everybody, and just be sad.
Saturday I spent the day with a fabulous missionary and woman of God (and friend) just talking and hanging out. I poured my heart out to her, told her what I've been feeling, and she gave me great advice... It's ok to feel sad. Just turn to God...spend more time talking to Him, more time devouring His word, more time in reflection of Him. After all, He wants to take control of my life and love and comfort me. I need to let him. I came home Saturday feeling better about things. I went to dinner with my friends to celebrate one's birthday and then came home, called my parents, telling them how much better I felt.
I went to church the next day, where this fabulous missionary lady's husband preached on the deserts of life and how God is there to help us through them. I felt on such a "high" leaving church. I was telling my friend walking with me that I felt he was preaching just to me. It was as if God knew exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. It was awesome! I was smiling and happy and couldn't wait to call my parents and say hey, I'm fine. I'm doing well. I'm not all sad and in that "mood" anymore.
I spent that afternoon to myself, doing homework and then just relaxing. That night, I went to a friend's house and watched a movie and had a great time being with everybody. I was feeling great. I came home that night and got on Skype to call my parents. They were on the road going somewhere, so they didn't have great cell service and my dad told me they'd find somewhere to pull over and to call back in 5 minutes. So, I hung up and bawled my eyes out. I mean I cried HARD. I couldn't believe it. I lost it all because of something "silly."
After composing myself enough to call, I called back. I talked to my mom and told her how I was so excited to call them that night and tell them how much I enjoyed my day Saturday and the sermon Sunday morning...and how I felt the Holy Spirit moving in such a mighty way and how the sermon just totally ministered to my heart. But the whole time I'm saying this I'm crying and my mom finally says..."Elisabeth, you've got to stop this. You're letting the devil rob you of your joy." And it was true...I felt so amazing after church. I felt a new sense of joy and I let the devil sneak in and snatch that joy away from me. I ended the call and sat there on my couch, crying like a baby for a few minutes before going to bed completely exhausted.
I've spent most of this week in that same "fog." I've kind of spent my time just doing the motions, not really feeling like myself. I've talked to friends, my parents, my brother, even the counselor here, gotten advice, and asked/received prayers. I was told I needed to quit telling myself to simply "get over it" and it'll be fine. I needed to allow myself to grieve and to just be sad over this change in my life.
And that's what I did. I cried and cried and cried some more. And when I was finished, I took a deep breath and made a plan. I know that I already spend a lot of time with God, but not as much as He truly deserves. Therefore, I, Elisabeth Nichols, would start, at that very instant, spending a lot more time with my God. I would spend even more time in prayer, fasting, reading (or rather, totally devouring) God's Word, and genuinely seeking God's face.
...and guess what! By doing this I feel better. Yes, I'm still feeling a little bit of homesickness, but not to the extent I was before. And I truly believe that I went through this bought of major sadness, because God wanted to teach me a lesson...
I needed to be taught to rely more on God. Sure, I did before. But I didn't rely COMPLETELY on him. I needed to be taught to STOP trying to "fix" all my problems on my own. God is in control of my life. God wants to help me. So I need to let Him. Simply put, I need to let God be God. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment