Acceptance

Acceptance. We all want it. We all strive for it. We (if we’re nice) want others to feel it as well. But do we give it to ourselves? I don’t. …or, I haven’t.

I have spent my whole life comparing myself to others. I have never felt pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, smart enough, even Christian enough. I have never felt that I was truly a good daughter, sister, friend, missionary, teacher, even Christian. I love having people over for dinner, but I stress so much that something won’t be cooked perfectly or things won’t be arranged perfectly or something will go wrong.

I have honestly never felt that I was that great at anything. Did I do anything well? Sure. Did I believe that? Not at all.


I have always compared myself to someone else. …the skinny girl, the pretty girl, the daughter that lives near her parents that helps and takes care of them, the friend that does everything right, the missionary winning soul after soul for Jesus, the teacher with the most well-behaved class, the hostess with the mostest. :)

Why do I do this to myself? Think of a snake hiding in the grass, watching quietly, until just the moment that the weak thing comes out, and then he attacks. Then the venom from that attack courses through our veins and spreads until it’s totally consumed us. The snake is the devil. The weakness is our insecurities shining through. The venom is devil and his lies.

For too long, I have let the devil do this to me. I have let him have access to my mind. I have let these insecurities eat at me and eat at me, until they have totally consumed me.

A friend and I are reading a book called 21 Ways to Peace and Happiness by Joyce Meyer. One chapter deals with Self-Acceptance. I have never been so emotionally affected by a book (other than the Bible, of course). Ironically enough, my friend and I decided to skip around and read through the chapters out of order and we just settled on this one. I thought it was so ironic that it was this week, when I was feeling my lowest, that God brought this chapter to my attention. 


The part that stuck out the most was, "God made you. His design was perfect. God doesn't make mistakes. How can you put yourself down? How can you criticize yourself? When you're doing that, you're telling God that He messed up. You're criticizing God. How DARE you criticize your Heavenly Father or one of his perfect creations?" 


Wow! Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect. None of us are. We all make mistakes. But this has really changed my thinking. I have no right to criticize myself. I am a creation of God, the Father. I was made in the image of God. It's like a saying I once saw on a t-shirt..."God doesn't make junk."

The 5th Dear ________ Post

Dear Spring Break, I have never in my life been so happy to see your arrival! My plan is to finish with lesson planning, etc. by tonight so I don't have to do any work over the break. Bring on the relaxation and fun!

Dear Roomie, Thank you for staying up past midnight with me and helping me peel and cut all those veggies. The help was definitely nice. The laughter over this week's episode of Psych (that was in part due to a little deliriousness from needing sleep) was nicer.

Dear Sharpening Pencils, I absolutely positively HATE you. Ugh! It's got to be the most tedious, annoying job EVER! ...not to mention, how you gave me 3 blisters on one hand the other day. Thank goodness standardized testing and sharpening 20 pencils a day is over! Thank goodness also for a T.A. that is amazingly awesome and will sharpen pencils for me! :)

Dear Strawberry-Kiwi Flavored Water Packets, When my mom sent you to me a while back I was happy. I absolutely LOVE you! I even set the box off to the side to save for a time when I really really wanted them. ...thinking I'd ration them for as long as I could. :) Guess what I lost and then found this week! Yep, the yummy strawberry-kiwi flavored water packets. Yay for me! :)

Dear Baby Brother, It's so exciting reading your Facebook posts and emails and seeing pictures, telling about how y'all are getting ready for your little one's arrival. I am so proud of you Little Brother. ...proud of the man you've grown up to be. I know you're going to be an awesome father!

Dear Fractions, You are so confusing to my first graders. It took them forever to understand the idea of "1/2." But "1/4"...Man, that's a doozy. The funniest question one boy asked me yesterday was, "Teacher, why did God make one fourths? Why didn't he just stick with the easy stuff like one wholes?"

Dear Angry Birds game, You are my fun thing to do at night before bed. You help me clear my head before heading off to dream land. There's nothing like watching an angry looking bird fly across the sky and crash into a smiling green pig. ...fun times, fun times. :)

Dear Birthday Treats in the Teacher's Lounge, You were a wonderfully delicious surprise yesterday morning. ...especially since I forgot breakfast. YUM! :)

Dear Ponytail, Oh how I've missed you. It's nice to eliminate those extra few minutes of time during my morning that it takes to fix my hair. Does that make me sound lazy? Probably. Do I care? Not really. Bring on the ponytails and two extra minutes of sleep! :)

Dear Living By Myself, You will be occuring next year. On one hand, I'm not terribly excited. I'm sad to not be living with a roommate and friend. And just being honest, I may be 26 years old, but I've never liked being by myself in a house at night. BUT, on the other hand, though, I'm still in a way looking forward to being by myself - decorating the way I want, watching what I want, eating what I want, entertaining when I want, etc. So some days it's still a toss-up as to whether I'm happy or sad about it...

The 4th Dear ______ Post

Dear USA, I will see you soon! I bought my summer plane tickets this week. I'll leave Dakar at 10:30 pm (Dakar time) on Wednesday, June 6th and after short layovers in Paris and Atlanta, I'll land in Sweet Home Alabama at 4:55 pm (CST) the following day. Can you say excited?! 

Dear To Do List, I've been checking things off of you left and right, but you're still getting bigger and bigger. I don't understand what's happening. Shouldn't the opposite be happening? :)

Dear 21 Ways to Peace and Happiness by Joyce Meyer, You're such a great book. I've really enjoyed reading/studying you. ...especially since I've been able to do it with a friend. You've helped me a lot, at a time when I was really struggling with having the two things the title says.

Dear Roomie's Homemade Salsa, Oh my goodness... You're out of this world good. ...even better than jars of deliciousness from America. I've tried to copy her recipe, but I just can't. My roomie's the salsa queen, I tell ya.

Dear Mosquitos, Why must you be back? You'd stayed away for so long. I had hope that a mosquito miracle had occurred and you were gone for good. But alas, I was mistaken. Oh well. That's ok. We'll just start the 2012 Mosquito Battle. And I will win, just so you know! 

Dear Story of Gideon in the Bible, My first graders have LOVED learning you this past week. It's been so much fun seeing them so intrigued with a Bible story. They've even begged for more every day. I LOVE their eagerness to learn more about the Word of God. It's awesome!

Dear Time Change, My friends and family in the USA may be complaining about losing sleep. But, personally you and your "Spring Forward-ness" is awesome for me. It's amazing how much that hour less of a time difference really makes a big change. Also, it's a little nice to know that this makes me feel just a tiny bit closer to family. After all, 5 hours is closer than 6 hours, right? :)
 
Dear "Homemade" Whipped Cream, I made you for the first time this past Sunday. And I, someone who has never liked whipped cream, have finally found a whipped cream that I like. Oh my word, sooooo tasty!

Dear Army Wives (the show not real people), Your first few episodes have all been super sad ones. If you keep up with the downer episodes, I think I'm going to have to stop watching. Come on. Bring the happy ones back, please :)

Dear Game Night with Friends, You were so much fun last night! I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time! I definitely needed the pick-me-up after this week. Thanks!

The 3rd Dear _________ Post

Dear Answered Prayers, Wow! I've experienced quite a few of you this week. ...in my life, in the lives of my family, co-workers, and friends. And I'm praising God in advance for more answered prayers to come.

Dear Jellybean (a.k.a. My future niece or nephew), I love you already and I haven't even met you. It's so hard for me to know that I won't get to see you grow up. I'll only get to see you once or twice a year. But I'll definitely make up for lost time during those times, by offering you mom and dad free babysitting, hanging out with you, spoiling you with goodies, etc. :)

Dear Favorite Pair of BAMA Flip Flops, I was sad to lay you to rest this week. You've served me well the past year and a half. You were comfy, cute, and had that signature black houndstooth and red pattern. But alas, the big hole in the bottom meant it was time for you to go. I'll miss you.

Dear Cool Season, You've been amazing this year. You've brought cold temps and nice breezes. You made me want/enjoy fleece PJ pants, socks, and long sleeves. You gave me a reason to finally use a blanket and be able to bundle up under the covers at night. But alas, you're starting to leave us. And I am definitely going to miss you.

Dear People that Support My Ministry, Your continued encouragement, prayers, and financial support means the world to me. It's so awesome, overwhelming, comforting (and a few more adjectives) to think about you all backing me and my ministry here. Please know that I appreciate your love and generosity so incredibly much. I am so eternally grateful for each and every one of you and thank God repeatedly for you, for I could not do what He's called me to do without your help and support. I pray God richly blesses each and every one of you.

Dear Bag of Conversation Hearts, A very thoughtful person brought you to me when she made a trip to the States. You are my all time favorite candy and it makes me sad that you only exist for a short, short time of the year...and definitely not here in Dakar. I'm going to try to ration you and make you last as long as possible, but we'll see. :)

Dear Messages in my Junk Folder, Sometimes you make me laugh. But don't worry Junk Mail, if I ever need to learn sneaky golf tricks, or to get a higher credit score, or to meet my future mate since God would of course make me go the route the message said, I'll be ready. Until then, Junk Mail, I'll keep deleting you. Sorry.

Dear Psych, I've missed your hilariousness. Is that even a word? Oh well. I'm using it. I was majorly impressed with this past week's episode. And it was nice to have an excuse to make a new pineapple-inspired recipe for me and the roomie and also, to have the "Psych Club" back together again on Monday night. ...love hanging out with those girls. ..fun times, for sure!

Dear Senegalese Run-Off Elections, You're scheduled for only two days before I leave for London. Can I be a little selfish? Please, please, please don't mess up my trip. But even more than that, I really like living here. I like the people I work with. I like the country. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want to see my "adopted homeland" destroyed anymore due to protests, riots, and fighting. I want justice and peace in this country. So, elections, I need you to go smoothly and not produce bad things afterwards, ok. Thanks.

Dear  Letting Go, You're a hard one. I'm a lover of justice. If I make a mistake, if I hurt someone I do everything I can to fix things. And at the same time, if someone hurts me, I want them to fix that too. I was hurt by something that happened recently. I was dwelling on how hurt I was to the point of being utterly miserable and I hated it. So finally God opened my eyes this past Sunday night. There was no point in dwelling on past hurts and staying upset. I realized I needed to leave the past in the past and to move forward. I needed simply to LET IT GO! And once I did, I honestly felt freer than I have in a long, long time.

Dear Loose/Wiggly Teeth, You seriously gross me out. A wiggly tooth is one of the few things that seriously make me weak to the stomach. And how ironic is it that I teach a grade level where wiggly teeth are an almost constant presence? Ugh :)

The 2nd Dear ____________ Post

Dear Internal Alarm Clock, I know you're used to waking up at 5 a.m. every day during the week, but you're allowed to wait a while longer on the weekends. I promise that'd be ok. I'm not asking for much. ...just to sleep 'til 7 would be GREAT. :)


Dear Bible Memorization, You and I have never worked well together. I have a really hard time memorizing things, even Bible verses. However, just recently, things have changed. Due to a pretty rotten few weeks, I learned to lean even more so than normal on the Word of God. I've started memorizing more verses. And it's actually sticking! See, there's hope for me yet! :)


Dear Rats Living Behind My Classroom, I do not like you one bit! I think it's time you leave. You're huge, disgusting, gross, and huge. Yes, you're bad enough to deserve repetition in my description of you. Ugh! 

Dear Money that Grows on Trees, Where are you? Why have I never found you? I think you should grace me with your presence. I really do.

Dear Pancakes and Syrup, Who would've thought that you're delightful combination would bring such joy to my first graders...and as a result brought such joy in my life too? It's the little things in life.

Dear Rain, I miss you. Please come back soon. A few times in June to October were not enough. 

Dear Praxis Test, I looked up the info on you today, since I'll be needing to register for you soon. Can I say how incredibly nervous I am because of you? I HATE, HATE, HATE taking tests. ...especially such big, important ones, as yourself. Please be kind to me. 

Dear London, I have always dreamed of visiting you. I have dreamed of visiting Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, riding a double decker bus, and meeting the Queen. But alas, you have always been too expensive. Now, that I live in Africa and can get super super cheap tickets to Europe, you dear London are something I'll be seeing very soon. This year, on my Spring Break, I'll be visiting all of those places I mentioned (...although I doubt I'll be meeting the Queen.). :) 

Dear Jeremiah 29:11, Thank you for reminding me that God has a plan for my life. His plan is to give me hope and for me to prosper. It's hard for me, sometimes, to just relax and remember that God is in control of my life. I don't have to know the details of my future. He, the One who created me, has it all figured out! 

And finally...Dear Late January to end of February 2012, you brought more pain, sadness, and hurt in my life than I've received in a long time. I lost my favorite uncle to a horrible fight with cancer, which led me to experience my first death of a loved one while being separated (by an ocean) from family. A really close friend moved away. One of my students moved away. My dad got some not so great results from his doctor. I had to make the tough decision to live by myself next year, which I'm not 100% looking forward to. And if I'm being honest, it was also hard having yet another Valentine's Day come where I was alone. 

....but even with all that, you weren't all bad. Someone blessed me with a printer/scanner for my classroom (and it's a 220v, so I don't need a transformer)! I began tutoring the sweetest fourth grader I know. I learned and cooked potato soup and pancakes, both from scratch, both for the first time, and they both turned out great! I found amazingly cheap tickets to London, England for Spring Break and booked them to go with one of my friends. I have an absolutely amazing class, who daily amaze me with their behavior, learning, and their sweet spirits. I poured my heart out to God and found (and still do find) myself closer to Him than ever before.