When I'm working and busy, I'm fine... When I'm at church, I'm fine... When I'm hanging out with friends, I'm fine...
But let me get still and quiet for any length of time... Well, that's when I have the time to think. That's when my mind wanders and those painful thoughts come flooding in.
I guess living so far away wasn't always a bad thing. I was spared from seeing, first hand, a lot of the painful things. ...waking up from open heart surgeries with tubes everywhere, him being loaded onto stretchers and carried off in an ambulance, begging for relief from pain caused by all the various illnesses and procedures.
But the last 10 months, I had the gift of living back in the house with my parents. I had the gift of time spent with my dad. ...time that I know I'll always cherish.
Yes, it was sad to see him suffering after the last open heart surgery and having tubes everywhere. But, I was there. I got to hold his hand and hear him whisper, "I love you baby girl."
Yes, it was hard to get a text while in a meeting saying he wasn't doing well. But when I walked in the front door after work, and I saw him smile and say "Welcome home baby girl," I was once again, reminded of the gift of time spent with my sweet Daddy.
Those two thoughts and others ran through my mind that evening. I had an overwhelming amount of emotions flooding my brain.
Honestly, I was angry. I was angry that God would take my dad away.
I was sad. I mean, duh... My dad had just died.
But y'all...
As crazy as it sounds, I was relieved. Hear me out... I was relieved that, for the first time, in years, my dad wasn't hurting anymore. He'd been suffering from kidney failure, and being on dialysis for 10 years. He'd been suffering from heart disease for 4 years. He'd been, basically, slowly withering away for the past 2 years. And that last year... The last year his body slowly started failing him.
And I thanked God.
Even though I was hurting even more than I ever imagined to be possible...
Even though I knew I'd miss him more than I could imagine...
Even though I cried, and knew I'd cry even more, than I'd ever cried before...
I thanked God.
I thanked Him for his grace and mercy and comfort.
I thanked Him that He knew what was best.
I thanked Him for the 56 years (minus 1 day) my dad got to live on this earth. I thanked Him for the lives my dad touched in that time, for the people he ministered to, for the love he shared.
And I thanked Him that He would never leave me, nor forsake me, but rather stay right by my side, holding me in the palm of His hand.
But y'all...
As crazy as it sounds, I was relieved. Hear me out... I was relieved that, for the first time, in years, my dad wasn't hurting anymore. He'd been suffering from kidney failure, and being on dialysis for 10 years. He'd been suffering from heart disease for 4 years. He'd been, basically, slowly withering away for the past 2 years. And that last year... The last year his body slowly started failing him.
And I thanked God.
Even though I was hurting even more than I ever imagined to be possible...
Even though I knew I'd miss him more than I could imagine...
Even though I cried, and knew I'd cry even more, than I'd ever cried before...
I thanked God.
I thanked Him for his grace and mercy and comfort.
I thanked Him that He knew what was best.
I thanked Him for the 56 years (minus 1 day) my dad got to live on this earth. I thanked Him for the lives my dad touched in that time, for the people he ministered to, for the love he shared.
And I thanked Him that He would never leave me, nor forsake me, but rather stay right by my side, holding me in the palm of His hand.
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