1 Year Later

Tuesday will make one year since my dad passed away.

It feels so weird to say that. I don't know why. It's been a year. You'd think I would've gotten used to that sentence. But no. It still makes me catch my breath each time I say it...

Last week I wrote a new Life Lately post and I said that life lately has been a little hard...

People ask how I'm doing with this painful anniversary... 

And I always give the same answer of either Fine or Ok. After all, what do you say?  

I'm hurting. Yes, I know it's been a year. But it still hurts.

I feel horrible.

I'm sad. Yes, still... I'm sad. 

And as much as I try to deny it, the truth of is...

I try to be tough. 

I like to pretend I'm a super strong person.

But when it comes to this...

I'm not tough. 

I'm not strong.

When I'm at work or at a friend's house or anywhere in public, I'm fine...

But let me get alone and probably 80% of the time, that facade melts away.

The pain is intense. 

The tears are real.

I feel like the memory of that day (and the painful days that came before it) are still so incredibly fresh.

I've always been a pretty open book. 

It's usually pretty clear how I feel about things. 

And I have shared about this some.

I've even written about it on my blog...

I wrote (somewhat) monthly posts...

2 Weeks, One Month, Three Months, Six Months, Seven Months, Ten Months, Eleven Months

And I wrote some other posts about it too...

How am I doing

Beauty in Pain

My Heart 

People

It's easy to share those things and say all the "good" things I'm supposed to say as a Christian.

Just have faith.

He's in a better place.

Look for the positive.

But there's a great distance between the mind and the heart sometimes. And it's that distance that makes truly believing that and feeling it in my heart connect. It's hard, you know...

Yes, it's hard. Yes, I still cry. 

Yes, I sometimes want to scream my lungs out asking...

Why couldn't he have been healed here on earth instead of in Heaven?

Why'd this have to happen?

But you know...

I serve a great big God. 

I serve an ALL KNOWING God. 

He knows my pain before I express it.

He knows my questions before I ask them.

I even included Isaiah 65:24 (which talks about this)  in my chapel lesson on Friday

But y'all... 

It's easy for me to say those things.

It's easy for me to tell others advice like this.

It's hard to actually do them.

But I can try.

So, to finish this long post up, I'll say this...

I miss my dad. 

I wish I could still feel his hug, 

...hear his voice say I love you and I'm proud of you,

...receive an email containing a prayer or a piece of advice, 

...anything really.

But as painful as it is that I can't, that's okay.

It really is okay. 

It's okay because my God is bigger than the pain. 

My God wraps His arms around me and holds me tight.

My God showers me with love.

My God reveals Himself through His Word and guides my life.

My God loves me.

He accepts me and my pain-filled self.

My God gives me peace.

My God gives me comfort.

My God is my Heavenly Father.

And I am constantly reminded of a gift I received a long, long time ago.

It was the day my earthly father told me about our Heavenly Father. 

It was the day my world changed for the better.

That's what I'm thankful for.

That's what will get me through the hard times.

My Heavenly Father is still with me every step of the way.