10 Months

It's been a while since I wrote a Letters post. And while I'd rather be writing a happy, full of smile inducing words, post, this topic is what's on my mind...


Dear 10 months,

On Friday, you'll be how long it's been since my dad passed away. They say time heals all wounds. Well, some days, I think it has gotten somewhat easier. But others... Other days it just hits me like a ton of bricks. It's the little things that trigger the biggest emotions, like...

...leaving the U.S. to go back to Senegal and wishing so very much that I could hear him say "I love you and I'm proud ot you" once more, but knowing I can't. 

...watching a tv show showing a wedding and being reminded, yet again, that he'll never be able to walk me down the aisle one day. 

...seeing a friend's pregnancy announcement on Facebook and being reminded, yet again, that my kids will never know their Pawpaw like my nieces did.

...needing the answer to a question that only he could answer.

...pulling out my Go Navy t-shirt and not being able to wear it because it makes me cry.

...being so excited to be back in Senegal and at DA and wanting to tell him all about it, yet not having that option.

I really try hard to put on this super strong, brave front and 9 times out of 10, I do that. But y'all, it's hit me hard lately. And it all started because of an episode of Bringing up Bates, I've been so excited to see, because one of the kids got married. Well, I watch it and all I can do is cry - like ugly cry - through the whole thing, because all I can think is of what I'll be missing at my own wedding. 

So then every little thing reminds me of him. ...a ball game, a book, a t-shirt, a story told by a friend. So there is more crying. 

Now here I sit, writing this post, with a few tears slowly falling down my cheeks...

But you know...

I'm ok. It's hard. 

But sometimes life is hard.

And as crazy as it sounds, I'm glad. I'm glad for the hard times because they make me appreciate the easy times. The bad in life has made me open my eyes to the good in life. I appreciate the family I do have still with on me on this earth so much more. I appreciate the  friends who have stuck with me during the most difficult part of this journey I call life. 

I truly appreciate so much.

But most of all...

I am eternally grateful to my heavenly Father, who in His infinite grace, mercy, and love, has chosen to put up with an occasional emotional mess like me. I so appreciate the little reminders He places in my path - reminders of happier times, of good times. I appreciate His comfort and peace and strength that only He can give.

And I appreciate that He doesn't chastise me for having my moments of crying and weakness. I'm thankful that He allows me to cry it out and be sad and even ask Why. I'm thankful that He stands by me and loves me and cares for me, in the midst of my tearful moments. And I'm thankful that He wipes away my every tear and replaces them with a smile.

So 10 months of grief, while I do wish you weren't a part of my life, I'll embrace you. And I'll try my hardest to remember the good and not just the bad...

Sincerely, 
Me